The moon will be in the seventh house - someday.

I hate television commercials.

The only commercials I like are the Anthem Blue Cross commercial with the man who lost a tooth and any that feature Peyton Manning. They're funny. That’s it. The rest of them just annoy the hell out of me.

I hate the American Express commercial in which everyday items "frown" while a cellist saws away in the background. Dude, either learn to play the cello or break the bow and get a day job.

I hate the talking Old Navy mannequins. Old Navy couldn’t afford to pay real people?

I hate any commercial that uses vintage music icons, like John Lennon or Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam), to sell products they would never in their lifetimes have endorsed.

I hate Billy Mays impersonators. Billy Mays was annoying when he was alive. Must we now be subjected to second rate imitations? Sham Wow guy, take off the totally unnecessary head microphone for god’s sake. You are not at the county fair. Bud Light’s Tailgate Approved series of shill ads gets my Seal of DISapproval.

I hate The King. I can’t be the only one out there who thinks Burger King’s mascot is scary weird. If I saw that guy coming at me, I would kick him in the fries.

I hate ... HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead. Dear god! Make it stop!

I hate The New York Times Weekender ad. “How many sections are you fluent in?” How fluent are you in sign language? Do you know what my middle finger is saying?

I hate Sally Fields’ Boniva commercials. As they say in show business, break a leg!

I hate Charles Schwab’s cartoonified people talking about their investment concerns. As if graphic novel visuals will elevate the self-indulgent concerns of pompous, self-satisfied yuppies to something I should give a rat’s ass about.

I hate the Cialis side-by-side bathtubs. What the hell is that all about? If the erection-in-a-pill tablet is going to do any good, shouldn’t they at least be in the same bathtub?

I hate any Mac commercial. Ok, I get it. Apple is cool. In fact, it is so cool it is ultra hip to the point of brain death.

I hate the Palm Pre expressionless, featureless young spokeswoman. Why would I buy a phone PDA pitched by a freaky android?

I hate all McDonald’s iced coffee ads, from the one that starts with a woman whining a jazz riff, to a nightclub MC grooving about the hot stylings of McD’s java dregs, to women’s voiceovers plotting to send their husbands out to pick up some coffee. Get it yourselves, bitches!

I hate the Cadillac commercial wherein a smug, sexy woman purrs about the sexual automotive performance of her ride. Get a room or at least a garage!

I hate the Julia Roberts wannabee in the Chase Shapphire commercial. All that’s missing is the real Julia’s Wall of China sized throbbing forehead vein.

I hate every Kay Jewelers commercial ever made as well as any they will make in the future.



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